brb, listening to "vienna" by billy joel on repeat

and asking myself "does anyone win the human race, anyway?"

Nineteen days left in my twenties. 19! Less than a day for each year I’ve been alive!

While the idea of ushering in a new decade isn’t as terror inducing as I once imagined it would be… I’m a water sign (a Cancer, a fact that is shocking to not a single person who has ever met me) and as such, I’ve been living up to my reputation of being a little bit (really, truly, madly, deeply) in my feels about the whole thing.

Life doesn’t look quite how I thought it would in my teenage years, or even when I was the young fun age of being happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time (which, looking back, describes much more than just one year of my twenties) - but at least I’m no longer in literary despair (27 years old, no money, no prospects, and already a burden to my parents) right?

And really, I think that’s one of the reasons that “Vienna” hits a little different these days.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes.

I spent a lot of years in my youth thinking that my life would be over at 30, but I’m happy to report that, now that it’s almost here, in so many ways it feels like it is just getting started. It reminds me of another Taylor Swift line, “how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22,” except swap 29 for 22.

At 18, I was basically a real-life version of Ariel Moore. No one wanted to see my hometown in the rearview more than me. I had these huge, ambitious dreams of how I was going to change the world and be incredibly successful and had never even contemplated the word “burnout”. Me? Overworked? Never. Couldn’t happen. I’d be the energizer bunny and just go, go, go forever.

At damn near 30, I have these quiet, lovely dreams of drinking coffee near the ocean, of growing peonies in a backyard garden, (now that I have it) of never having another job that requires me to spend more time in the office than I do outside of it, and spending every moment I can with the people I love most.

Isn’t that just the way it goes?

I read about an interview with Billy Joel a while back, talking about his inspiration for Vienna, and he talked about how he intends Vienna to be a metaphor for having a purpose in growing older, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to stop thinking about that concept.

We live in a world, especially my generation, of hustle. Most days it feels like we don’t even remember how to have a hobby without trying to monetize it or turn it into a “side hustle” - anything to get a step ahead. But... a step ahead of who? A step ahead to where?

It’s so easy to get caught up in, to feel like you’re falling behind. Admittedly, especially as an unmarried thirty-year-old with no kids (see also SINK), who grew up in a small town and lives in the South.

Am I behind in the race? Am I losing? Should I feel like I’m behind, or losing, or less than? What if I don’t feel that way? Does anyone win the human race, anyway?

Truth be told, while some days I do fight that feeling of running in place, lately, most days I can’t quite wrap my head around what a privilege it is to even see 30 years on Earth.

It doesn’t miss me that I can’t count on both hands the number of friends and loved ones who didn’t get to celebrate their 30th birthdays, and that makes this milestone all the more humbling. Time, and life is so precious and fleeting, and my only regret is wishing a day of it away.

Maybe thirty doesn’t look like I thought it would, but in so many ways it is better than I could have imagined. I’m lucky to live a life I love, and for that, I’m lucky enough.

All of that to say, I hope my next thirty years involve a lot more taking the phone off the hook, losing a day or two, and remembering (and appreciating) that I can’t be everything before my time.

And even a little trip to Vienna.